


Kakuzu discover's Hidan's backstory and its actually really disappointing and a bit shit

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: BACKSTORY HURR DURR, F/M, Gen, M/M, PLOT THERES A PLOT WHAT THE FUCK, Queerbaiting, deidara is vague af, game of thrones reference because i really like game of thrones, kakucunt, kinda gay, orocunt, theres no punchline in this fic as im very sorry, woolworths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 14:35:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Part 8 in which Hidan and Kakuzu are very Australian dickheads. In this extremely boring segment, one of Kakuzu’s old friends, Orochimaru, is back in town. Turns out, he knows Hidan from a decade ago. Kakuzu decides to find out why the fuck Hidan is immortal in this day and age.





	Kakuzu discover's Hidan's backstory and its actually really disappointing and a bit shit

**Author's Note:**

> Set before Kakuzu and Hidan marry. And also the event where a rat climbed up the sewer drain and died, and had to get rid of using a pasta spoon and a stake happened to me three days ago. It was traumatising. 0/10 don’t recommend. Special shout out to shipcat because we were on voice chat on discord while I was driving and I asked her to go on this chapter and add a few things in for the chapter for me because I can’t write and drive at the same time as its illegal af. 10/10 do recommend.

Orochimaru was a plastic surgeon infamous for fucking up his face enough to be stared at in the street. He was also Kakuzu’s former college, and happened to be in town this week. 

Kakuzu had discovered this when Orochimaru texted him out of the blue, asking why Kakuzu was with ‘one of those Jashinist weirdos’ and wearing the Commonwealth Bank uniform. Apparently, Orochimaru walked past the bank, spotted Kakuzu as he exited, holding Hidan at the scruff of his neck, and depositing him on the side of the road to hopefully be run over. 

Because Kakuzu noticed that Orochimaru knew Hidan was a Jashinist, he got a bit curious. Orochimaru  _ must  _ have been acquainted with Hidan sometime ago. He was certainly weird enough to be associated with Hidan. He was also knowledgeable enough that he would likely know a bit about the strange cult with the follower who was an immortal asshole. 

So Kakuzu responded to the message, asking Orochimaru to meet him for drinks at the tavern near his townhouse. Even if he had no answers, Kakuzu expected it to be entertaining enough.

While normally Kakuzu didn’t really give a fuck about reconnecting with old coworkers, Orochimaru was an exception if only because the man was so ridiculous that he amused even Kakuzu. 

Case in point: The last time he saw him was around ten years ago at a conference at the Medical Union meeting in western Sydney. Orochimaru had split his tongue in half, demanded he was to be only referred to with genderless pronouns and had put enough lip fillers in his lip to make them explode.  Kakuzu remembered having a bit of a smirk at that.

As Kakuzu was preparing to meet Orochimaru, however, Deidara rang him about a rat in the toilet. He immediately texted Orochimaru to tell him he would be late. 

According to Deidara, the toilet rat came in from the sewers in their current place. He had refused to go anywhere near it, and so did Sasori and Hidan. A week had passed, and now the rat was lying dead in the loo, passed out from a bottle of disinfectant being poured over it to get it to stop scrambling. Deidara sat on a kmart beanbag and stared at his phone for a few hours until Kakuzu arrived and got pissed about the messy bathroom and the rotting animal. In the end, Kakuzu used a pasta spoon taped on to a wooden stake to get rid of it. 

“How old is Hidan?” Kakuzu asked Deidara afterwards. 

Deidara squinted at Kakuzu. “He’s like… twenty five, yeah? He was three grades above me at school.” 

“...So he’s not old?” 

“What do you mean?” Deidara wasn’t exactly dumb but he didn’t understand Kakuzu’s question at all. 

“How long has he been able to not die?” Kakuzu clarified. 

“Hmm….” said Deidara, pausing. He put a strand of blond hair behind his ear and then he said, finally, “I dunno.” 

Kakuzu sighed. “You’re not very informative, you know that?” 

“And you don’t really ask questions.” At least Deidara had the correct social skills to realise he was fucking about with Kakuzu. Sasori and Hidan on the other hand could not act normal around anyone. “Hidan was a nerdy religious asshole in high school. He hasn’t grown up, and never will. Argumentative as fuck, immature, and thought that putting a javelin through his leg on sports day was art. As an itty bitty year seven, seeing a year nine do that to themself… was pretty fucking cool, yeah.” 

_ Right. _ So he definitely wasn’t someone who had stopped aging. “So how come you know still know him?” 

“Saw him at orientation day at the University of Canberra. He’d been kicked out and was arguing with security. He said UoC was shit because you can get the same info from Wikipedia, and that they discriminated against him because of his religion, yeah. The next day, I saw him on Gumtree looking for a housemate, so we moved in together with Sasori. I decided to never go to university -  fuck HECS.” 

Deidara smirked and turned back to his phone. Kakuzu tried again. 

“I’ve just been in contact with an old acquaintance,” Orochimaru wasn’t exactly a friend. He was more of a science experiment from back in the day. “He knows Hidan. The name is Orochimaru. A plastic surgeon.” 

“You mean Orocunt?” said Deidara, not looking up, fingers flying over the screen of his phone. “Hidan calls him Orocunt, yeah.” 

“How do you know him?” 

Deidara held up the stump of his arm, which had been covered in tattoos since it was blown off in an explosions accident several years ago. “Hidan recommended him as a plastic surgeon. He made my remaining arm look like an amputated arm, not like a mangled blown off stump it was with muscle and bone everywhere.” 

“How does he know Hidan?” 

Deidara shrugged. “I dunno.” 

Deidara’s answers weren't exactly riveting or informative, but Kakuzu knew that asking Sasori would be a waste of time, he would be even vaguer. 

“I’m meeting him in an hour,” said Kakuzu. 

“Cool,” Deidara muttered, staring at his phone. “Hidan or Orochimaru?” 

“Orochimaru. I try to avoid Hidan any day of the week.” 

“I’d also avoid Orochimaru any day of the week. That MJ look was scary. It isn’t art, yeah. Good luck and don’t split your tongue in half.”

***

At the local mall where Konan’s floristry was, there was also a tavern opposite Woolworths where gambling addicts played their day away. It was a bistro with faded yellow brick walls with large pieces of ugly decor art hung up slightly crooked. It was quiet for the time of day. 

While most people were fashionably late, Orochimaru arrived several hours early to any event. He was waiting for Kakuzu when he entered the tavern, looking like he did a decade ago: black straightened hair down to the waist with no gray in sight, high cheekbones and eyes slanted from several botched eye lifts. He couldn’t seem to smile like he used to, as the amount of botox he used permanently froze his face. In short, he looked more like a snake than ever. He was holding a handbag, putting something pink away when he looked up to see Kakuzu. 

“Kakuzu,” he said warmly. Orochimaru refused to shake hands, as he claimed it was unsanitary. Which was no big deal, as Kakuzu didn’t exactly want to touch Orochimaru, either. “It’s been a while. I knew it was you with Hidan at the bank. What happened to your face?” He nodded towards the scars where Hidan had slashed him with a knife several years ago. 

“Hidan.” 

“Ah.” Orochimaru yellow eyes trailed down Kakuzu’s tanned arm, where there was a burn mark. “And what happened to your arm?” 

“Hidan.” The mark was from New Years when Hidan and Deidara put fireworks in a drum in his courtyard, and Hidan’s hand was sliced off and Kakuzu had to stitch it back on together. 

“You aren’t going to get it covered?” 

Kakuzu shrugged, and took a laminated menu from the plastic holder. “Nobody asks.” 

“I can’t imagine anyone asking you anything to be honest,” Orochimaru said. He didn’t even touch the menu, but then again Kakuzu had never seen Orochimaru eat, so he must survive on air. Kakuzu put the menu back, deciding to only get a lemon and lime bitter. “I’m surprised you have changed careers. Was being a heart surgeon too hard for you?” 

Kakuzu shrugged. “Different career. Bored of the hospital. I’ve only been out of there for four years.” 

“Yes, being a surgeon is ever so boring,” said Orochimaru. Kakuzu forgot how strange and sly Orochimaru’s voice was. It was like being lectured and being treated like a child all at once. He clicked his tongue, which was still split in two. “Nowadays, I go mostly on holidays around the world with my sons, Mitsuki and Mitsuki.” 

“Why are they both called Mitsuki?” 

Orochimaru lips struggled to smile, but didn’t say anything. After an awkward silence, Kakuzu decided to get to the point of what he really came to see Orochimaru for. “I need some information on Hidan. You are, as I remember, very good at knowing other people’s affairs.” 

“Do you have to pay me to give you information?” Orochimaru raised his eyebrows at him. Kakuzu glanced around before leaned in a little. He wasn’t planning to give any money to Orochimaru, and he knew Orochimaru didn’t care about money, so it didn’t matter. “What do you want to know?” 

“The other month Hidan chopped his own head off and I had to reattach it,” said Kakuzu, crossing his arms and leaning back. “How can he do that? He claims it comes from his God, Jashin. Orochimaru, I have seen him do things nobody should be able to survive.”

“I actually met Hidan several years ago on my travels in Europe with Mitsuki. I believe it might have been Croatia - they film Game of Thrones in Dubrovnik. Probably why he was there.”

Kakuzu knew that Hidan’s Game of Thrones obsession was borderline crazy, but didn’t realise that Hidan had actually gone overseas just to go on a set tour. “Croatia? Why Croatia?” 

“I think he’d been all over the world, searching for Jashin.  He was a backpacker who had dropped out of high school, who was staying in the same hotel as me and my sons -  a six star hotel with golden floors and lavish marble ceilings.” 

That didn’t exactly sound like a place Hidan would go. It was definitely somewhere Kakuzu would go if he had the chance, but Hidan was more of a hostel type of guy.

“I met Hidan in the lobby. He was drunk at the time, but managed to tell me many things; that he was traveling the world searching for his god, who he called Jashin; that he dreamed of him every night since he was a child; that, no matter where he went, he could not find any information about his faith or proof of his god’s existence. It drove him insane, poor thing. He must have been only 16?”

“He still is.” 

“No, he has seemed to have grown down instead of grown up,” said Orochimaru.

“After a series of visions of hooded men in a golden hotel, Hidan went on Tripadvisor and looked at pictures of hotel lobbies. He then found himself in Croatia.” Kakuzu rolled his eyes at this, and Orochimaru smirked and carried on. “I’m not sure how he was able to afford the hotel - but he told me that he had been staying there for a while, watching, waiting.”

“While we were talking, these men in black hoods went down the stairs and he rushed away, ranting that these they were the people he was looking for. I did not follow him, but as I myself am interested in immortality, I took a video from the hotel security footage.”

Orochimaru took out his iPad, one of those large inconvenient ones from his handbag. As he unlocked the ridiculously huge tablet, Kakuzu noticed his wallpaper was of Itachi Uchiha from the police force. 

Hidan’s hair was shorter, and sticking up at the back. He was literally dressed in - Kakuzu recognised the outfit - singlet and shorts. The Jashinist circle was drawn in white on the lobby floor - everything was golden, like Orochimaru described. People wearing summer clothes were crowded around, silent and watching the bizarre scene in front of them. Four tall figures wearing black robes hoods had circled Hidan, which seemed weird as it was June on the timestamp, and he was shouting at them in another language. 

“Is he speaking Croatian?” 

“No, most likely gibberish,” said Orochimaru. “Hidan is very good at shouting in gibberish.” This was true. Occasionally, Kakuzu heard Hidan ramble nonsensically, though he could never make sense of what he was saying. He returned his attention to the iPad video.

Suddenly, Hidan shoved one of the figures away. The four of them threw him to the ground, and two pinning him to the floor and the last -

“Is that a syringe?” 

Orochimaru nodded. A bellowing scream, raw and loud, erupted from Hidan, and the crowd around him scattered in fright. It was truly something Kakuzu had never heard before from anyone he had killed. It wasn’t pleading, and it didn’t seem to even  _ sound  _ like Hidan. He could only compare it to the wretched wailing of a thousand souls… The hooded figures disappeared, leaving Hidan on the lobby floor, mouth open and body still.  

The video cut off. Orochimaru put the rather large tablet back in his purse.

“The Jashinist cult mixes serious religion with illegal experimentation,” said Orochimaru. “After this video, Hidan was pronounced dead. I was the one to call the police to take the body away.” 

“How long was he dead?” 

“Until the cremation, so two weeks,” said Orochimaru. “No parents, a foster kid out on the streets. They put his body into the oven… and he jerked upright and ran away. He came back to me to get his passport, covered in soot. Didn’t even say thank you.” Orochimaru flicked a bit of imaginary dust off the table.

“Since when do I ever say thank you?” A large hand clapped on Kakuzu’s shoulder. Kakuzu didn’t even turn around as Hidan sat down next to him, reached over and drank the entire contents of Kakuzu’s glass. He was wearing a fluro yellow work shirt, which was part of his medical courier uniform.

“How’s it going Orocunt? Not well I hope. I heard from someone that you were trying to get information on me. I won’t name my source, but let’s just say his name rhymes with...  _ Gay Bara _ .” He turned to Kakuzu. “You could have just asked, Kakucunt. I'm an open book.” 

“What’s the fun in that?” Orochimaru asked. “You aren’t known for your straight up answers.” 

“True.” said Kakuzu. 

Hidan shrugged. “So what are you doing here? Last I heard you were in Chile doing…South American things. Whatever people do in South America. Latin ballroom dancing and praying to statues of the Virgin Mary in back gardens.” 

“What’s wrong with seeing an old friend?” said Orochimaru. 

“Since when does Kakuzu has  _ friends  _ then aren’t money?” asked Hidan. He smirked. “Did you know Kakuzu sleeps with money under his pillow,” he voice lowered to a whisper. “ _ Tooth fairy spoils him _ .”

“I do not.” 

“Oh, me and Kakuzu go way back,” said Orochimaru, sipping his water dainty, with a pinkie out. “Around the time of medical school. We usually partnered up with experiments, and worked on cadavers together. We also did other experiments outside of medical school, too.” 

“What sort of experiments? Like on other bodies?” 

“Don’t say it,” said Kakuzu. 

“Say  _ what _ ?” Hidan replied almost instantly. “Come on, tell me the goss on good old ‘Kuzu. I’m sure Snakepants here has plenty of boring experiments to tell. Are you single and looking to mingle? Kakuzu’s your man.” Hidan nudged Orochimaru and winked.

“I’m married to myself now,” Orochimaru pointedly informed Hidan, watching his face go from interested to a slight cringe. “But back in the day, as two medical students, we slept together for a science experiment.”

Kakuzu could have facepalmed hard right now, and Hidan looked like he was either shocked or trying not to laugh. “ _You_ fucked Trump’s wife?” 

Now Kakuzu was trying not to laugh at Orochimaru’s almost offensive look. Hidan looked from Kakuzu to Orochimaru. “But he’s old?” 

“I’m old,” Orochimaru pointed out. “We’re the same age.” 

“I forget you are even more immortal than me,” said Hidan. “I thought you would have to cut off Kakuzu’s dick to see the rings to see how old he is.”

“He is rather well endowed,” Orochimaru noted with a smirk, “but not quite the size of a tree, I’m afraid.”

“What, like Hashirama?” Hidan joked. Then his face went a bit white. “Hang on… I’ve known you for four years, Kakuzu. I thought you were ace as fuck, and you're not!?” 

“Can we not discuss my sexuality?” Kakuzu was feeling a bit pissed now, because he had been forced to opened up when he didn’t want to. Kakuzu made himself uninteresting on purpose: After all, it would be incredibly inconvenient for anyone to go sniffing around in the private life of a serial killer. Besides Orochimaru, he had only ever slept with one other person - but that was a detail that he did  _ not _ want Hidan to pester him with. “I have better things to do then talk about people I've slept with.”

“People?! Not just Orocunt?” mocked Hidan. “No wonder I've never seen you remotely even be interested in someone.” 

“I am certain that Kakuzu is a sociopath, Hidan.” said Orochimaru. “I believe the only person he ever dated was Tsunade. What was the reason you broke up with her, again, Kakuzu?”

There it was. The one detail that he did not want Hidan to know.

“Gambling addict,” he neutrally replied, staring at the sugar packets on the table as he resisted the urge to strangle both his partner in crime and his former colleague.

“Man, Kakuzu,” Hidan clapped his hand on Kakuzu’s shoulder. “I've learned more about you today than I ever wanted to know.” 

Orochimaru frowned. “I was under the assumption Hidan was your husband,” he said. “Gay marriage is legal after all.” 

“I’m only gay for Jashin, you know.” Hidan kissed his pendant and happened to glance at the time on his fitbit. 

“Anyway, this is the shittest conversation I’ve ever had in my life,” he said. “I was supposed to deliver a fetus to the other hospital around two hours ago. See you later, Kakucunt, Orocunt.” He stalked off, knocking over someone’s water on purpose as he left the tavern. Kakuzu watched Hidan undo the leash of his dog before driving off in his car.

His head whipped toward Orochimaru, expression furious. “Thank you for telling Hidan that,” Kakuzu hissed.

“No problem,” said Orochimaru lightly. “Thought he might have needed to know you aren’t as boring as you actually are.” 

“I prefer being boring,” said Kakuzu. “I think I may go now.” 

“Hang on.” Orochimaru rummaged around in his handbag. “I have done what I can with this.” Kakuzu opened his hand, and Orochimaru deposited a small volumetric flask in his palm, with pink liquid, the colour of Hidan’s strange eyes. “It is leftover materials from the syringe.”

“What am I supposed to do with it?” 

Orochimaru shrugged. “I don’t know. According to my analysis, it is solely composed of dihydrogen monoxide.”

“Also known as water.”

“Clearly… there is more to it.” 

With that, Orochimaru left, taking out a large pair of sunglasses to cover his frozen face, handbag swinging away. Kakuzu stared down at the small flask, shimmering liquid twirling from moving so much. He didn’t know what to do. Too much information, too much nosing about, but this? He wasn’t expecting this. Now, he possibly held the secret to immortality in his hands. 

He put the flask in his shopping bag, and went to Woolworths. He tried not to think about what Orochimaru had told him, but it seemed there was more to Hidan then he really wanted to know. Hidan possibly wasn’t as dumb as he seemed. He got some sushi for dinner, as being with Orochimaru for too long made him hungry. He received two texts from Hidan.

HIDAN < 6.45 PM > 

_ Kudos fr getiing.the.rat out fo the.toilest. shit was gros _

HIDAN < 6.47 PM > 

_ Got.th dog.  _

Instead of taking Taki for a walk, which was his usual routine, he sat down outside in his courtyard for a smoke, staring at the bottle of moving pink liquid Orochimaru gave him. He took the flask and put it in the bin along with his cigarette. 

That night, Kakuzu dreamt of only one picture: The triangle encased in the circle. He could not get rid of it, and struggled to wake up from it. Finally, his unconscious brain got rid of the image, which he felt thankful for. 

Until the next thing he saw in his vision was a car hurtling full speed in him. 

Kakuzu woke up with sweat all over him, jerking upright, his alarm clock screaming away. He rubbed his eyes and turned to the clock, about to turn it off, and he froze. 

The shimmering pink flask had returned - and it was on his bedside table. It shined mockingly with the light of his phone, buzzing with incoming texts.

HIDAN < 8.14 AM > 

_ stupid fuckn roommmate.found another pest - a snake in the garden _

HIDAN < 8.19 AM > 

_ cme over.nd.help me get.rid.of.it _

HIDAN < 8.22 AM > 

_ bring the ricin. _


End file.
